Falling - Again

I fell into a giant pothole this past week.  Did not see it coming and yet am not surprised I hurtled downward at such an astounding speed.  I once again put someone else’s needs ahead of mine. I did it with an open heart and a level of excitement for what we would find.

I gave up at least five things I could have been doing for myself. Things I had quasi promised to others, but quickly shelved in my unconscious behavior of believing it was an altruistic and necessary thing to do.  I wanted to help.  I wanted to go along. As I mentioned, I was excited and looking forward to the fun.

I enjoyed walking through the stone boneyard looking for bargains on countertops.  The variety of materials from natural to manmade. The different finishes. The wide variations in price.  Fun to look at all the beauty and then try to ferret out the choices that matched my friend’s vision.  Toward the end of our hour long stroll through the facility we happened upon a gorgeous limestone that ticked off a lot of boxes on the wish list – finish, color, artistic feel.  There were two pieces and they would work for two of the rooms.  The price was an amazing $2.19 a square foot. Score!!

I suggested we check out the price for the two slabs to get an idea and was told that it was not necessary as there would have to be the designer’s eyes upon them.  I pointed out that it did not matter if the designer liked/loved them if they matched the pictures that had been presented. It was a no. This friend is not a bargain hunter by nature. I felt the need to say that it is “buy it when you see it.” Nope.

Over two hours of my time and forty miles to be left feeling that my opinion was worth exactly what I had been paid for it -nothing. I could not stop somersaulting down the rabbit hole. It was not the friend’s fault, it was mine. I had once again made up a story about the mission.  I had not checked the story with the author. I was in my values and expectations. Assumption abounded and ran my energy.

It has knocked the stuffing out of me because after my initial reaction, I was once again left with my need to parse my behavior.  Why? What was I hoping? The decision is not up to me nor does the project have anything to do with me. My caring is my caring. It is mine to give or not to offer.  I have stopped offering because I get that it is of no value in the way I valued it.  That does not mean it was not useful or helpful, but not in the way I need it to be for me to continue to pour my time, talent and love into.

It has left me feeling empty and sad because I now choose to put in another correction.  Temporarily it feels like not caring and that is not a familiar feeling.  It is also a lie.  I do care and will continue to care, but again I must be willing to bring the unconscious conscious and to not just fling myself into situations I perceive to include me.  Just as I must wait to be asked, I must ask what is expected and if it is something that warrants my attention.  Currently less and less does, but that only means that there is more and more on the horizon.