Light It Up

I have a gift of seeing people for who they are or perhaps more to the point, who they could be. I seem to be stuck on seeing that which is good and funny and full actualized.  It is a gift and a failing.

I zero in on the amazing, the wonderful and fantastic. I cannot seem to be bothered with the annoying, irritating or withholding. Do not get me wrong, I can see plenty of fault in the world, but if for whatever reason I hone in on someone’s essence I appear to be unable to disconnect from the goodness I find.

In my excitement, I believe that it is who they truly are (and it might be) but more importantly, I think it is who they want to be.  Time after time I have had it pointed out that this is not the case. People have created personas that they believe are the “real” them. Scenarios and personalities they have come to embrace, believe they enjoy and hide behind.

At first, I am a welcomed guest into their true self. Being seen by someone when you have hidden it and convinced yourself otherwise can be a relief. Finally, a place where you do not have to pretend or duck down for fear of being found out. Then, you have me willingly fanning the flames of this part of you. Someone willing to ignore all the other aspects and just want to be with YOU.  Like all relationships at the beginning, it is wonderful.

This part of many people is not the dominant aspect. It is the vulnerable underbelly that they have worked so hard to obfuscate. Being that person seems as though it takes a lot of work. It is not safe. It is not desired. It is filled with shame. It is many things that are the stories we all make up as we bump along in this life. It is the Holy Grail of your being and perhaps it is best kept under lock and key.

Then there is me. The overgrown Saint Bernard puppy leaping all over this part. Shining a light. Encouraging you to see your own magnificence.  I was (and may still be) clueless that keeping this aspect of self stashed in the basement is the plan.  Here I am hyperventilating as I blow on the embers of your soul thinking you want to light this baby up because WHY WOULDN’T YOU!!!

I have been ghosted, lost friendships and relationships with family for being the Campfire Girl of Self-identity. I have been surprised each time. What did I do wrong? I was just loving you as I see you and then I am the problem.

But I am the problem. Partly it has to do with the codependent stuff, but it has more to do with not taking a step back to see who the person truly wants to be in the world.  Not who I see or want, but who they have chosen. Most folks do not live a life examined and believe that they have something to hide. Just because that is not what I see does not make it true.  So, new adjustment strategy. I will see what I see, share it but then shut-up, unpuff my cheeks and stand back to see where they are living because giving years to a lost cause seems rather silly now.