It’s A Process
“Boundaries aren’t about expecting other people to honor them; they’re about creating
the means for you to honor them.” Erica Layne
This popped up on my Facebook feed not too long ago. Stopped me in my tracks for a bit as I allowed the depth of message to sink in. Sadly, as a codependent, I never actually expected anyone outside of me to respect any boundary because as a codependent I was boundary-less. I never got that I could have boundaries let alone enforce and honor them.
Reclaiming yourself is an uphill battle on many days. It is somewhat Sisyphean in nature. Making yourself be conscious of unconscious, deeply ingrained behaviors is the first part of the hill. The heighten sense of watching to make sure you are not mindlessly agreeing to something, coupled with attempting to keep an eagle eye out for those that have grown to used to your 24/7 concierge service. When first starting out that can exhaust you in a few hours.
The middle part of the hill is stopping yourself from offering to help. This part is a lot more slippery. Lots of loose gravel in the form of, “oh it wouldn’t hurt me to do that,” or “I could move that appointment” or “I can do that later, I can help them first.” Maybe all of those things are true and perhaps none of them are necessary. As you recover, you have to learn which is which and some of them are tricky because you can convince yourself that it is just “helping” and not codependence.
If you get through that section your have the final assault. For this you really should have a Sherpa because the weight of the guilt as you shove it up the hill is excessive. You must remember not to offer unsolicited assistance, advice, information, or presence. This is the part where one must learn that “NO means NO” and you have to stick to your guns. For those just starting out this is where it becomes life and death. The wobble will hit you and the waffling will begin. You will take your eye off the prize of freedom and time to accomplish your own goals and tasks. Your arms will weaken as does your will power and that boulder of habit and non-valuing of self will teeter and most often will tilt enough to start the long descent back down to the bottom. You will get so close and then have to begin again the next day or maybe the same day with the next temptation.
The art of differentiation of what is codependent versus what is simply helpful and kind is highly nuanced. Each situation needs examination and thought. Some of them come upon you suddenly and your belief is that you must instantly react. You are programmed to react with “yes” and “sure” and “okay, I can make that happen.” You do not yet know that you could take a breath, a beat, a moment to think. You also do not know that you can most often say “NO” or “I could do it ….” and name another time that works for you.
So as I hurtle toward a new year, I promise that I will continue to stop, drop and roll before I bark out my answer. And maybe, just maybe, I will get to the top of the mountain for a bit and realize that creating boundaries has made me boundary-less.
