And the Answer Is….

I am back to observing myself. While I never gave it up, it has felt as though I have been on hiatus. Perhaps I have just excavated to a new level so I feel more seen by my internal microscope.

The new focus is on advice – both solicited and unsolicited.  The advice I give not receive.  One would think that given my own dislike of unsolicited advice and input, I would be as courteous in return. I am trying, but like Midas’ touch turning everything to gold, my mouth seems to constantly spew opinions and advice. A regulator has been installed, but there seem to be some bugs still to work out. Most of the spillage seems to be caught, but I have noticed several places that need more work.

If people keep angst-ing about a certain topic and we have covered it, I seem to feel the need to repeat the same information. Is it that I do not think that they heard me the first five or ten times or is that we psychically get locked in some loop and every time they repeat the same question/fear/concern, I am “forced” to respond in kind? Is it a defense mechanism to stop their onslaught? Do I believe that the more times I say it, it will make it feasible in their minds?

I recently sat with some acquaintances who have experienced difficult times. For the past three or four years the topic has been on the table and not much progress has been made.  It came up in conversation and I asked how long they thought it would take to resolve.  Another year was the answer. It took all of my effort to smile and agree that would be wonderful.  To their credit, they seemed fine with another year’s delay as it would allow them to have their children grow up a bit more. I experienced despair.

My mind raced with all the input, advice, direction and effort I had flung out.  All of which had been valued as much as they had spent to get it – zilch. My heart ached because this was fixable and for a lot less than they have spent. So many areas of waste as filtered through my value system. Much more hardship than was necessary. Cue “deep internal sigh.”

As I was driving home I had the thought that maybe this was necessary for their journey through life. The argument that ensued inside my car was heated. My codependent self came out swinging. How was the waste of time and money good for people who were already struggling? People who already feel oppressed and victimized? I had researched for them and shown them the way and reputable people who would not capitalize on their situation. I had even been invited to help by his mother, so I was not inserting myself where I did not belong.

Except I was. Why would they listen to their mother and her friend? They had asked amongst the population they trusted. My world is not their world, and they live in the belief that the system is always rigged against them. They have a lot of proof to back them up. I wanted to show, no prove, that there were decent, reputable ways to the same end.

Then the other side began to argue. What if this is how they need to live? Why are they not entitled to live in spaces that are comfortable for them? 

I heard the giant – “BUT” coming from the codependent, but quelled it with the question.

“What if helping them screws with the time/space continuum?”

That stopped the debate in its tracks. What if all the help I have foisted upon people has messed with the time/space continuum? We will never know the lessons not learned, the growth not realized and the outcomes relegated to the dumpster. It brings up the age-old conundrum of “what if I had taken the other fork in the road?’

It appears we are all a big experiment of choices. Those we take and those we leave. Turns we make, advice we embrace and decisions we choose.

Now that brings up a whole new series of questions and just how much I enjoy changing the world.