Heading In

My responsibility is limitless. At least it has been, but only for over sixty years. What is that in the greater scheme of things?

Inside my head the wheel of blame spins and for some reason seems weighted in my direction. My friend did not get the first house he bid on. It is because I told him to put down a closing date that was five weeks not four. That ricochets around in my head for long past the closing for the people who bought the house.  I then feel as though I must apologize for dashing his dreams even though the new owners offered more than he did, and it was all cash and “as is.”

The constant earworm of other people’s needs overwhelms me now that I am aware of the issue. The subjugation of my own needs is the norm and the new knowledge that it would be okay for me to ask for help amazes.

It is fascinating to realize that I have no memory EVER of being told it was not my fault. Then I realize that very few people have ever told me that it was my fault. The programming that my very existence has ruined lives is so pervasive I cannot comprehend anything different.

The good news is that I never felt particularly victimized by the constant thrum of being told that I was the problem. Intellectually, I caught on early that it was not true. I even figured out it was not my job to fix it because I had not done anything to cause the belief. What I had not realized is that it is so ingrained in my reptilian brain, I act out of that space constantly.

Living with someone who is not responsible for their own unhappiness, can cause you to absorb their story as your own. Add into that my need to help and please and it created the perfect scenario.  I honestly believe it is my job to atone for other people’s actions. Again, most have not requested I do so, but my early training sends me in a different direction. Apologize, fix, atone, repeat.

Over the past year as I have begun to truly observe my thoughts and beliefs through the lens of co-dependence, the depth and breadth astounds. Everyday in my head are a litany of castigations regarding my behavior.

“That piece of advice was wrong.”

“I need to pay for that, take care of that, fix that, help them.”

“They shouldn’t struggle, worry, be fearful.”

Or – “if only…..”

I once viewed the talk as helpful and caring, but now I can see that it is a seemingly never-ending litany of my failings coupled with a deeply ingrained need to assist. If my existence ruined one life, it must have affected many others. Fix it now and you will not have to be reincarnated to continue the lesson.  Perhaps the purpose of this life is that I realize the person who needs to be “fixed” is me.  The journey is internal and always has been.  I am off to burrow in further.