Still Me

Just attended a high school reunion.  I shall not divulge which one, but suffice to say we are now all old enough that it is difficult to recognize some folks and most everyone is walking a bit slower.

I hated high school. Not so much hated as wished I could have avoided most of it.  I was never one of the popular kids. I was and still am not a joiner.  Do not enjoy group activities. Too many people, too many opinions and not enough common sense.

One of the participants observed that people seem easier to talk to now. I pointed out that if one is not comfortable in one’s skin by now, it is too sad. Also, life has hopefully taught us lessons. Ripped some people down from their high horses and place them down amongst the mere mortals.

I sat with two girls (as they were once in the high school setting) that back in the day could not have given me the time of day. I had both of them doubled over with laughter through most of dinner. They then asked THE question, “Why weren’t we friends in high school?”

Why? Because I was at least a year younger than most of my classmates. I was awkward and too large as I grew into my 5’10” frame. I cared about schoolwork and not boys. I was not at the boondockers. I did not fit the picture that seemed so important in those years.

I then had several people ask why they did not remember me.  Before I could really respond, they all asked if I was smart.  When I confirmed their beliefs, they said, “Well, that’s why. I didn’t know any smart kids.”

Except they did. They did know me in that they spoke to me and sat next to me or had gone to grade school with me. I was just invisible in their “what matters” world of the time.

If I am honest, I did not want to spend time with them. Having grown up surrounded by adults, I did not understand most people my age. They were boring and many of them not bright or interested in being so. I did not understand that then, I just wanted to fit in or at the very least not be invisible.

I enjoyed seeing the folks I remember. I was pleasantly surprised by those that remembered me. Having a self, I did not know I was projecting in those years, mirrored back to me was enlightening, healing and fascinating.  I found out I was perceived as “funny and smart.”  I am. So, I am left with the sense that I have not changed much since high school.  I still do not inhabit most of their worlds, but I am finally content in my own.

At the end of the evening, a woman who I vaguely remember came up to me and said,

“I remember at the 10th reunion when you walked into the room and everyone said, ‘Who is that!!!’ and I said, ‘Heather Cronrath’.  You were so beautiful and you filled the room.”  

I queried if she had really remembered me from high school and she was honest enough to say, “No, but after that entrance, you were unforgettable.”

I am not sure that is true, but I will take it.