Which Came First…

How does one become codependent?  There are many avenues into the world of managing the world and plenty of career opportunities. Since I am recovering codependent I shall attempt not to talk about how all the other codependents in the world got their start, and rather focus on my indoctrination.

All my thoughts are suppositions or creations, but please know I have spent a lot of time thinking this through.  I am pretty clear that I learned my caretaking/codependent ways from my mother, but what caused me to be such a willing acolyte? I came into the world happy, seemed to detect unhappiness in others and wanted them to feel less alone or angry or sad.

I descend from a long line of alcoholics.  My mother is 100% Irish with both of her parents coming from County Down in Northern Ireland. As has been noted, “God invented whiskey so the Irish wouldn’t rule the world.” I have no history before my grandfather, but he was a binge drinker. My Nana’s brother Bill was a drunk as was the term of his day.  He was arrested so many times for drunk and disorderly that one time in court he said, “Any mail for me your honor?”  All of my mother’s siblings were alcoholics at some point in their life. For this reason, my mother chose never to drink replacing the need for sugar with desserts. Sometimes two or three with dinner.

One of the descriptions of codependency is that it is a way in which people deal with a basic anxiety. I had never thought of it in that light, but it perfectly explains my mother’s desire to please and care for others. She was the last child of five and was almost eighteen years younger than her oldest sister.  Nana was determined that after nine pregnancies and five children, she was finished in the birthing category.  Her solution was to have my mother sleep with her from the time she was born until she left to get married. My grandfather was locked out but would often pound on the locked and barricaded door to demand his marital rights.  My mother was terrified and had only the reassurance of Nana’s hand on her arm to fight off the anxiety.

There is also a tradition in Irish families of the youngest girl not marrying and taking care of her parents. My mother decided early on that this would not be her destiny, but she would be the married caretaker. Good to her word, Nana lived with us until she was 103.

Every codependent has their own style.  My mother’s was to acquiesce and placate while also pursuing her own desires and dreams. She was a risk taker and full of herself, so she did not seem to suffer the low self-esteem of many codependents. Balance and determination were her secret powers. I just wanted people to be happy. It seemed easy to me.  I was happy. Mom appeared to be happy, but the rest of my immediate family seemed to experience life in a more difficult way.  Dad was stressed and focused on being the best hotel manager. He had been a Marine Captain in the South Pacific in World War II.  He liked a well run organization, both professionally and personally.  Nana was sweet but had a lot of rules and an air of sadness when I was younger.  Once I learned about her early life, it made sense but created a lot of dissonance for me.  I wanted to make her happy and I wanted her to go back home to Massachusetts. She had too many rules.  My sister also seemed unhappy a lot of the time which made no sense to me as things seemed pretty sweet around our house.

My mother was the reason I never wanted to be a mother.  She was too good. I knew intuitively that I could never live up to those standards, so I cashed in early.  She was ALWAYS available to stop what she was doing to read a book, play a game or listen to you. At least in my perception.  I thought that seemed like a lot of work, what I did not know is that I learned by example that other people’s needs should proceed your own.

Mom needed help. Her codependent concierge practice was running at over capacity and she needed an trainee.  She had two choices and had realized that putting the focus on me, the younger child, would be the winner.  I appeared to be wired to help, willing to assist and wanting to please. I fit the job description.

When I was six years old, my mother took my sister to a doctor about her weight.  In hindsight, she was not overweight; she was just a big kid. Her final height would be 6’1” and at ten she was probably about 5’4” or more. My mother was not given to taking us to doctors, but someone told her that they thought my sister could do with some intervention due to her size.  The 1960 decision was to put her on a diet. The doctor then suggested that they put me on it with her as that would make her feel less lonely or different. I remember my mother telling me that I would be going on a diet to help my sister. She explained what that meant and that she needed me to be the helper. Sounded okay to me.

Not long after the diet began, we had been out at an event in Atlanta and had walked back to the hotel where we were living. We went into the coffee shop for some food. I remember having a teacup in front of me and maybe there had been some low-calorie food.  Mom sat across from us eating an ice cream sundae.  My sister remarked that she wished she could have a sundae.

“Well, you could if you were thin.”

My sister was instantly stung by those words and the unfairness of them.  I, on the other hand, thought, “Huh, that is probably true.” It is a good example of how each child perceives parental lessons differently.

I never questioned having to help by being the diet buddy. It was helping. Mom helped all the time. I liked to help. It was going to make my sister’s life better. It didn’t hurt me.

My mother’s favorite phrase to me throughout our lives together was, “It doesn’t hurt you to (fill in the blank). In my 40s and beyond, I would often say to her, “How do you know it won’t hurt me?” She would smile her crooked “I can’t believe you just said that “smile and say, “It won’t unless you let it, so don’t let it.” Always a justification for continuing the family concierge business.

When your launch codes are installed at a young age you do not even know they are there. The behavior seems normal and instinctual. You are a pleaser so why not? But I still wonder which came first the pleaser or the codependent?