Self-Storage

I have been spending the last nine months using a new approach to self-discovery.  When I am triggered by an event, whether it be upset or confusion or anger, I allow myself the time to just be in the emotion. When that is over, I begin my journey back in time to see what lever has been hit by the event. Why am I reacting? What old wound or experience has been activated?

This process takes varying amounts of time. I can sometimes go to the moment in an instant. Other times it takes a few hours or days to travel back to the place of origin. Usually that is because I have not effectively gleaned the true cause of my reaction.  Being honest with oneself is challenging.

In my case, it requires having to scrape off all the co-dependent, self-deprecating, self-loathing and judgmental head talk with which I am too familiar. As I wander through that morass, I marvel at my ability to make up reality and to always find myself at fault or lacking. The burden of others’ behaviors has been on my back for so long, it is familiar and at first comforting as though it was a fuzzy warm weighted blanket.  It feels safe.  It is anything but.

When I finally stumble upon the triggering event it fascinates me.  To look again at my life and to see it through an adult’s view changes the landscape immeasurably. Each time I marvel at a child’s ability to put in the adjustment, find the solution and get on with living.  To see all the scars and wounds again is interesting in that you realize that none of it appears to be quite as horrific as it was in the moment but then you did not have the vantage point of perspective at 5 or 9 or 12 years of age. You are only living in that moment, and it overwhelms.

Once there I take time to celebrate the brilliance of that child who came up with the solution. While in hindsight they may not appear to have had any basis in fact or to have been overkill that shut down an aspect of me, they were still clever and creative.  I then simply acknowledge that the correction is no longer necessary in my life, and it has served its purpose.  So far this has worked perfectly. My reaction quotient has diminished greatly.

It has resulted in a change in many of my relationships. Once you change, you can no longer be the same with others who have not.  I am not judging them nor am I angry, I just have no time for the games we once played and in which I was a willing participant.  Sometimes it feels a bit empty, but that too changes as time goes on as so much more life can move in to fill those voids.

I had never realized how much was stored in my personal archives.  It is good to purge from time to time and make room for the new.