Running on Empty

I am feeling empty. Not in a bad way, just empty. The past six months have been a journey of self-realization and discovery. Not unlike the previous six months, but this past group has brought the biggest changes.

With change comes boundaries or limits. Limits to what I am willing to do. Limits to what I am willing to tolerate. Limits that put me first consistently. Limits that support my self-esteem.

My self-esteem never seemed awful, but truth be told, it was not high. As I have delved and dived into myself it has been astounding to discover how little I regarded myself. I was so busy giving it away and I was not even aware.

I can justify a lot of my disregard from childhood experiences. The teasing, bullying and unkindness of children at school. Being the “new kid” through fifth grade. Being the larger than average child through life and into adulthood. Then there was growing up living in hotels and amongst adults. Many were kind and long suffering with the kid that hung around, but others were less kind and that is confusing to children. Then there were the messages from family that I had ruined lives, should not get a big head about things and to remember my place.

Then mix in a large dose of co-dependence. Other people’s needs were greater than your own. You have so much, you need to give it back. Or our family favorite, “It doesn’t hurt you to……” It made me look for how I could “pay” for my space in this world.

I never knew I was attractive. The early messages about being fat or too tall or too smart seemed to be the ones I chose to adopt. Comparing myself in the awkward adolescent years to my older, gorgeous sister. Believing that I was not the norm. I was lucky people wanted to befriend me and so I spent my time trying to repay them for their kindness and willingness to look beyond my faults.

It was not a conscious practice, just something I fell into and kept doing. There was no feeling of sadness or lack, just gratitude that people would let me into their lives. I was lucky.

Most of that behavior fell off by itself over the past twenty years. I reached an age where it was not a focus, and I had no conscious awareness that it had ever existed. Then I had a recent opportunity to experience my previous dynamic on a daily basis and found myself not reacting well. With each upset, I would take time to explore what had caused me to react. Each time it circled back to my own lousy self-esteem. This time, however, I no longer believed I was not worthwhile. This time, I chose me and thanked the old me for being such a sport and then moved on.

It is fun to spend time with the new me. I like her a lot, but it is still new and so there are days in which I feel a bit empty because all the old ways no longer serve, and I do not yet know what the future me wants to do.  It is funny to feel so full and yet be running on empty. The good news is that I know something great lies ahead.