Kaleidoscope

My life is a kaleidoscope. It is filled with fragments of experiences, people, places, and memories that offer an infinite array of breathtaking beauty. There is art in chaos and turmoil and love.

As I work on myself and my beliefs, I can imagine myself taking down glass jars of people, life moments, trauma, sadness, and joy and smashing them open. I have to destroy the vessels of beliefs and interpretations so that I can see them differently. Reconstruct them from a new perspective. Analyze each one from every angle so that I might get the wholeness of the experience not the story.

The process is time consuming and soul expanding. Creating a new and different you one memory at a time. It is not that the “old” me was such a bad version, but it was not my authentic self. It was a version of me that was limited by my beliefs about myself, most of them using other people’s filters. And yet, perhaps the filters were always mine that I presumed is how others saw me. It is confusing and convoluted and messy.

In the re-examination of events and beliefs, there are many startling insights. Looking at why I made the decisions I made. Why I chose the people I did to populate my life. How people come and go and some return and how that affects the outcome and experience. It is surprising and often impressive when you look at the methods and pathways you chose to get you through life. We are creative and unique in our solutions.

All of life is improvisation. There is no script. Something happens and we react. Most often we have never had that thing happen before and it may never occur again, but we have seconds in which to make a decision. The odd part is that those snap decisions can then continue to run our lives for years to come and we are not even aware that they hold that power. We have no memory of taking that first step on the road, but we keep the forward movement going because we think we have no other choice.

We do. I have chosen to step off the path I was on and sit by the side of the road for a while. To recall why I believe what I believe or why I act the way I do. I am taking the time to look at my behaviors and run the clock back to where the beliefs came in and the reactions began. Most of my reactions are from a memory that I am now applying to a present day situation and there is no need. The thing that made me sad, angry, hurt, fearful, unsafe, or confused happened long ago and has nothing to do with the moment I am experiencing in real time. It has only the power I give it and the new me chooses to spend less time in the past and more time in the here and now.

But as I look about the shattered fragments of my behaviors and beliefs, I marvel at the magnificence of my solutions. I am grateful for all the people that have traveled along the roads with me, even the ones that have tried to run me over or side swipe me. Most of all I am kinder to myself because in all the shards are the bits of me I had forgotten to hold up to the light so that I could see their brilliance.

A kaleidoscope is a diverse collection, a succession of changing phases or actions. It is time to go and turn it some more.