“Simon Says'….”

“It’s coming from a place of fear not certainty.”

This was an observation made recently by a friend as we discussed codependence.  My first reaction was to agree. Codependence is very fear based. It is the belief that you can circumvent disaster for others. It is knowing that catastrophe is lying in wait around every corner. So yes, it is fear based.

It is also the arrogance of certainty. That you know more. You know better. You are the repository of information and safety for the rest of the world. All anyone needs is you and you will be able to answer their questions, fix their problems, guide them to the right place and assuage their fears as well as your own. 

I have begun to listen to my codependent friends lately. It is fascinating and informative. As their advice, direction and guidance rain down upon me I can, for the first time in my life, get how annoying I must have been without ever meaning to be. We, the codependents of the world, cannot hear ourselves. We do not have time to listen because we are too busy delivering information. 24/7 news coverage has nothing on us. Our stations have been open for hundreds of years, long before CNN claimed the title.

Where once I would have been irritated or resentful of the onslaught of “help,” I now can take a step back and disengage my own opinion and observe the trait. The unconscious need to be the tour guide of life. 

“Step this way.

Watch the stair.

No over here.

Stand back.

Don’t get too close.

That is not a good idea.

You need….You should….You must.”

It is fascinating the outpouring of uninvited advice. If unchecked, it is a constant stream of thoughts, plans, ideas and guidance. It is smothering. One could be insulted that you view them to be such an idiot. And that same one might find it hard to believe that you need to share the volume of babble that is coming out of your mouth.

That was me – The Queen of Babble!!

And I never knew. I was just helping. Being a resource. Saving them time and trouble. And I did save people time and give them good direction and recommendations. It is the unsolicited aspect that causes the problem.

Learning how to be the resource but in a “Simon Says” sort of way.  I cannot spew any longer. (Full disclosure, this aspect will still take some time because while I am more aware there still appears to be several launch codes programmed into my brain that cause me to go off with no notice. I am working on these glitches to the system.)

I must wait for my version of “Simon Says” which is “Heather do you know” or “Heather could you help me.” If I do not hear some iteration of those phrases, I must learn to sit back and wait. They must come to me seeking the magical keys I believe I possess and then I shall be allowed to off load the stored information they are requesting.

I am both fearful and certain that I can learn how.