Help
How do I help?
This was a question posed during a weekend seminar I took. There are many ways to help we were informed, and he began to list them. It caused a reaction in my body which I then had to explore with my mind to see what was going on.
I seem to get triggered by conversations about helping these days. It is akin to panic. I do not yet trust myself not to blindly wade into the rescue pool. This makes me think of one of my favorite movie moments from “The Trouble with Angels,” starring Hailey Mills. Sister Celestine, the PE nun is teaching life saving and she blows a whistle and yells “Victim,” and a girl dives off. Then another whistle blow, followed by yelling “Rescuer.” It has been the visual that defines most of my life. I can sometimes hear the whistle. Maybe I always hear the whistle, but now that I am attempting to be conscious of my rescuing, the imaginary tweet sets my nervous system off, but I am paralyzed to react.
As I listened to all the ways to help and that the world needs us, I was reminded of the defining Mr. Rogers quote regarding his fears during catastrophe’s happening in the world. His mother said, “When you are worried, look for the helpers. There are always helpers.”
A number of my readers have commented that I should continue to be a helper if I want or to not be sad about my past helping. I am not sad, and I do continue to come to the assistance of others, but it just has to be different than the previous version.
Like Gwyneth Paltrow’s “conscious uncoupling” as a euphemism for divorce, I must have “sentient assistance” or “informed interference.” It brings me back to my discussion of where are the lines, the boundaries. The bringing the unconscious conscious. It also means I have had to learn to keep my big mouth shut. To listen but not react. To offer a hand but not my whole being.
The teacher went on to say that he reminds himself that the people who come to him are responsible for their suffering and problems. Not him. Then when he helps, he does what he can, but the outcome is not his to control. That way he can do his work and whether the result is positive or negative he carries no burden because the burden was never his.
I leaned into the burden scenario. The outcome was all on me, but that was because I had adopted the Superhero version of helping. Savior of the World was my definition, and anything less was failure. Let us just say that failure was my greatest accomplishment because there is no perfect. People are only saved as much as they want to be or need or can be. Some things need to occur for whatever the reason and my inflated ego aside, I am not the Savior. I am only one person, doing what I can to make the lives of those I meet maybe a bit better.
Sometimes a smile or kind word is enough. Gotta go, I heard the whistle blow.
