Both Sides Now

Love vs Fear vs Control

I watched the movie Coda recently. It is the story of a deaf family who have one hearing child. It is the exploration of inter-dependence and codependence. Where are the lines? What are the boundaries? Whose needs supersede the needs of the others?

Per my usual Irish self, I was barking like a seal at the end and squeeging away the tears. It had been a somewhat blah sort of day and so I touched in to see what was really going on. Was I crying for them or for the parts of me that I recognized in them? Did the predictability of it all set me off as I wanted better writing? Was it the song, “Both Sides Now?”

Upon reflection, it was triggered from the song.  The hearing child is struggling to go and live her dream to be a singer, while feeling the responsibility of staying to help these people she has loved. It is love from both sides. The love of self and the love of family. Who do you choose, because in the end you do have to choose? Yes, there is a way to find balance, but as with all balancing acts you will lean too far in each direction at some point in time.

Is choosing yourself, selfish? Is choosing them self-less? Is there a wrong answer? No, but there is a struggle. Then came the question, do they love you enough to let you go? Are they willing to let go of their fear and let you skate away from the side of the rink? Are you willing to skate away from the safety of their arms and their need for you? Being needed is a strong pull, especially if it has been your normal. The steady part of most of your life. You have a place to belong. You have a reason to be and it imbues you with a certain feeling of being important while also making you feel insignificant and put upon.

The pull of being necessary, integral, the center of their universe is a strong drug. Like most drug problems, over time the addiction to it becomes destructive. The highs derived are no longer as strong and the hangover requires a longer recovery, but you go back because you believe you need it. It gives your life meaning. Who would you be without it?

Indeed, who would you be if you had not given up yourself to be their rescuer? What could have been accomplished? Where would you have gone? The idea of that is fear inducing because without realizing it you have created a cage called caring in which you live. You have told yourself that you stay because you must manage their fears. You and only you can keep them safe. Then you wake up and realize that you have stayed because your fears have kept you there.

It is about the love, but there are two sides. This refrain sums it up for me

But now it's just another show
And you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take and still somehow
It's love's illusions that I recall
I really don't know love
Really don't know love at all

                                Joni Mitchell, writer/artist