Fear or Friend

Codependence is about fear. It is fear with a heavy dose of control and a dash of hubris. The belief that by doing, rescuing or some might say intruding, you will lighten someone else’s load. More importantly you will save them.

Save them from what is the question?  Their bad habits? Their mistakes? Themselves?

Is it about saving them or is it about moving the agenda in a direction you prefer or want?

Why are you diving in where you have not been asked? What is the driving force that causes you to insert yourself into their dilemmas, life, upsets or traumas.

Granted a good codependent is there to offer assistance at all times. Cooking a meal, helping move, lending money, finding them a job, driving to appointments, taking care of their kids or pets or just them.  All kind, thoughtful and generous things, but if a codependent is honest the offers have as much if not more to do with the codependent’s needs.

What will happen if you do not show up constantly?  Will they stop caring about you or loving you or being your friend?  Might they find themselves in a mess that is hard to navigate and yet is of their own making? What is the fear?

The trick is to find the balance between being a good friend, child, spouse, sibling, co-worker or fellow human being and being a constant safety net.  It is a small difference, but with hugely different outcomes for both sides. Waiting to be asked is the first step. I would say noticing and asking before doing is also an approach, but when first starting out, it is better to wait until asked. The temptation to jump back into the whirlpool of codependent relationships is too great.

With practice, patience and time you begin to find the sweet spot between the two – waiting to be asked and asking. We all know that sometimes asking is difficult, so noticing and asking does come in handy. Just remember it is a slippery slope.

Simply ask yourself before leaping in or volunteering, “What am I afraid will happen if I don’t help?” Wait for the answer. Then you’ll know what to do. Everyone will be happier.