Drama Triangle Redux

In many relationships we see that rather than a drama triangle there is a drama straight line. We perceive persecutor and victim most often. I entertained myself with the thoughts of the drama line rather than triangle, but then I began to assess my own family of origin dynamic and became intrigued.

My first thoughts were that my mother was 99.9% the rescuer. Not surprising given my relationship with her. She was my rescuer and my safe place. Peace, laughter, and harmony were her goals. Sadly, she was not given actors in her drama that were as willing to comply. Upon inspection however, I noticed a rather healthy smattering of persecutor and her unique brand of victim.

My dad and sister at first glance were most definitely persecutors and victims. Then I looked again and began to notice the times in which they took on the rescuer roles within the family dynamic. Were I a betting personality, I would have lost on that one in a speed round of guessing.

Then there was Nana. My mother’s mother. Persecutor and rescuer come immediately to mind. Nana had a lot of rules. It was as if God had issued the rule book to her directly. It was not really true, but in comparison to my mom who had very few rules (but enforced them all), it seemed a lot to a kid. I do not remember Nana as much of a victim, more long suffering, but then she was 74 when I came on the scene, and she had endured a long life of physical and emotional violence by then. If, however, I am truly doing the dig I say I am, she could go to victim when she would decide that you had offended her in some way and she would cease to speak to you for several days.  It has been said that the greatest punishment of an Irish woman is her ceasing to speak.

Then there is me. I had a moment when I climbed up on my high horse and felt I was not victimized and was almost immediately bucked off.  The reason for this skewed perspective is I almost always had my mother as the rescuer, so I never had to stay in victimhood too long.  I could run and hide behind her and stick my tongue out from a safe space inside the Caryln Castle Keep. I know (as do most of you) that I am definitely a rescuer but I did have to sit with my role as persecutor and examine the depth of that behavior.

Where did it all get me? Nowhere and everywhere.  As I learned whilst studying the DeMartini Method, there are over 4,000 traits we humans have and we all have all of them. The more we own the traits we find amazing and reprehensible in others the more balanced we become, which is a nice place to live. So, yes, the drama triangle does exist and is actively at play in everyone’s life, it is just that most of us are not aware of the geometry. I can see where it is a useful tool in therapy and perhaps in business practices. The more we can step out of our own story the better our ability to participate in life. Admitting you are sometimes the villain and sometimes the hero and sometimes the one needing the rescue frees you up to get on with life and toss the one-sided story away.

For fun sit inside the triangle and give your family a try. Or just think of a current upset and figure out the players. It is more fascinating than it sounds.