Checkpoint

It is a good thing I invoked the quote last week about the need for strong boundaries.  I was offered an opportunity to exercise those behaviors this week and to my surprise and those of others that know me well, I grabbed the handle and rolled down the metal doors with such speed and force you could hear the clang and thud.

I stuck up for myself and protected my world. For the first time in memory, I chose my safety and my home over other’s needs. It felt amazing and powerful and right. It was okay and what needed to be done, but I do believe it caught the friend completely off guard. It caught me off guard as well because it was such unfamiliar territory and so unconscious.

Had this happened a year ago or even a month ago, I most likely would have caved a bit, not all the way, but somewhat.  I would have made the “okay” line much blurrier and fuzzy. It needed to be right where I put it and reinforced, but for the first time in my memory I have not wavered in my behavior.

What initially happened to my friend had nothing to do with me. I drew the line in the sand and as a result, for whatever reason, I am receiving the silent treatment . My guess is that I did not rescue as I have for many years and solve their dilemma.  My saying “no” added to it and I am also okay with that. Everyone is entitled to their behavior and their reaction to the situation. Do I think it is kind or grown-up or fair? Hell, NO.  I do, however, get that they can have their own perceptions about the situation because it was surprising and upsetting to ALL of us. The situation was sprung on them by an unthinking (and one might say uncaring) person, but that is their dance, not something that should impacted my life.

But it has. I have had to rethink, reorganize and change my plans as all the promises of help from the friend are not currently available.  Even if I had allowed them to breach the walls of my home, their help would have still been unavailable, so I am no further behind and actually in a better position because at least I have kept everyone here healthy and safe. 

Life is what happens while we are making plans. This week has demonstrated that. My reaction has demonstrated that I am getting better because I have no feelings of remorse or of not caring. I do have thoughts of how I once would have viewed it and am grateful that I am on this side and behind the metal doors.