Caregivers

This is a shout out to caregivers. The people who show up for the ones they love or maybe they show up out of a sense of duty. The ones that are there 24/7 or as close as they can get to that given their other commitments.

They are at all the doctors’ appointments. They learn the medicines and the protocols required to get their person through each day. Often the tasks they now perform daily are things they never would have imagined doing in their lifetime, but heads down and onward they go. Their person needs someone and that someone is them.

It is a tough job, but a fulfilling one and one that they would not hand over to others.  They might wish for a respite or someone (anyone) showing up to offer assistance. That does happen but even when given the time off, they worry about the person in their care. Without realizing it they take their energy or life force and believe that they can loan it for just a while to this person in their care. They look for signs from their person that it is having an effect, and most times cannot see the fruits of their labor.

The frustration, loneliness, and exhaustion make up their world, but most of the time it is ignored or set aside for later, when they have time.  Sometimes their fear and utter depletion comes out as a snarky aside or a tone in their voice.  It is regretted and rued for a long time after. There is little forgiveness on their part for their own shortcomings or perceived failures.

Then the person in the care leaves this world to head off to their next adventures and in that moment, they lose the person they love and their job. Their reason for being is gone and they are alone. Others can be sympathetic or maybe even empathetic, but unless you have been that type of caregiver, it is hard to understand the loss. It is on so many levels and if it has been a long haul to the finish line, it leaves one feeling empty and bereft.

Well meaning people will suggest grief therapy or counseling. “Do this or do that” are the helpful suggestions, but there is no comprehension of the depletion experienced at the end. The “shoulda, coulda, woulda’s” come flying up with no warning and one cannot turn their mind off. “If only” is another one that torments, but none of them change the outcome. You do not get a do over.

I am writing this as someone who experienced it a year ago and am currently helping some friends walk through the same mine field. It is useful to have recent experience because it is fresh in my memory, and I also know that the coming months will bring up new thoughts and challenges. There are methods that are useful, and I have those to offer to my friends, but the best advice is rest, recuperate from this life event and the toll your loving care took. Celebrate what you had, that you were there and try to keep all regrets to a minimum.

If you have someone in the same circumstance, listen rather than lecture. Do not try to manage their life but look for what they really need. Flowers are lovely, but they do not help take care of the details and they cannot just sit with someone while they talk it all out. Offer to run errands or go with them. They do not know how tired they are, and they are still in caregiver mode. Still wired to get everything done in a timely manner because they must get back to their job. Except the job is done and a large space has opened up in a place that was filled just moments before.