What’s Got You Fired Up?

I have been quite sick for the past week. I did not think much of it when it started. A fever spike and exhaustion, but I had gotten sick initially on a trip to Scotland and Ireland, then returned home with a persistent cough and feeling depleted which I chalked up to jet lag and a rather frenetic three weeks. As the fever continued into day four, spiking into areas that should cause one to pay attention, I decided to get a telemed appointment.

“Just the flu. You were run down. Drink plenty of fluids. Don’t worry, this is the flu we are seeing this season.”

I began taking the remedies that have been my go-to for years and attempted to convince myself that I was feeling better. Then the temperature spiked back up to the 103 area and I messaged the doctor. Just started some antibiotics in case it is a lung infection of some sort. Only two days into that, so nothing terribly insightful to share. Although I must be feeling a bit better as I am writing which is not something I usually do when I am down for the count.

Sitting in a chair for a week gives you a lot of time to think and reflect. As you must have caught on by now, thinking, reflecting, and going in are high values for me. It is a many times a day occurrence. More when you have little energy to do anything else.

About a year ago, I had a similar illness shortly after the death of my husband. Felt the world took me out at the knees so that I would rest or at least stop for a bit and reassess.  I did and thought I had done a fine job, but the past seven days have made me realize how much more work there is to do. Luckily this time there is more insight into areas that might deserve my full attention. All the places I still have the automatic pilot responses from the past stored. The go to “it doesn’t hurt you to……..” beliefs. Evidently when that pile gets too large, my system now shuts down so that I am unavailable to anyone except feeding the dogs. (Shout out to my neighbors who gave a Thanksgiving gift of a walk to them today).

As you know from this blog, I am excavating and digging and spelunking about in my behaviors. Two and three-quarter years into this process I had thought I had cleared most of the cobwebs, dusted the corners and donated so many boxes of habitual behavior that I was in the clear. I have not. The next level has arrived and will require new analysis and a different skill set. I do not yet know how deep this will go, but I do know that I am willing to take a deep dive and be relentless in the changes I must make.

This may sound a bit dark, but please be reassured that it is the opposite of that. It is allowing the light to shine into all sorts of new places. It is about living in the present or the Eternal Now. Getting to that place requires a major change in how I live my life, but my husband was the perfect example of someone who lived in the Eternal Now and I know he would be pleased to have me join him in the practice.

I am grateful for this opportunity to contemplate, change and redirect.  See you at the next station.