What Does It Mean?
The idea of codependency may have its roots in the theories of German psychoanalyst Karen Horney. In 1941, she proposed that some people adopt what she termed a "Moving Toward" personality style to overcome their basic anxiety. Essentially, these people move toward others by gaining their approval and affection, and subconsciously control them through their dependent style. They are unselfish, virtuous, martyr-like, faithful, and turn the other cheek despite personal humiliation. Approval from others is more important than respecting themselves. Wikipedia
When I decided to write about my codependent ways and explore the avenues, I had never bothered to look up the actual definition. As I was walking recently, I thought maybe I am misusing the term or I do not really know what it means. Evidently, I know exactly what it means and have done a heck of a job living the dream.
The most interesting piece for me was that one becomes codependent to overcome their basic anxiety. Had never thought of it in that manner. My belief, and it still may hold true, is that I learned my codependent ways from my mother who is the child of an alcoholic. It makes perfect sense that she would have used it to overcome a great deal of anxiety as a child. Her father was a binge drinker and given to beating up my grandmother during these periods. My mother, as the youngest child and the shield my grandmother used to keep her husband at bay, would have experienced a high level of anxiety. My experience of her as my mother was a risk taker but also everything in the above definition except other people’s approval. That one she left for me.
The superhero aspect of codependency, some might say arrogance, is one I had not acknowledged nor explored in the years leading up to this blog. When I began the deep dive into analyzing myself and my behavior it was along the usual lines. Much more the long-suffering aspect. The ‘Oh poor me, look at all I do and the thanks I get.” Thanks to my sister-in-law I really began to sit with it and look at my behavior.
Why did I do it? I had never asked that. You just do because the world needs you to save it and that is when I realized codependence comes with a savior syndrome. You need me! I am here and you do not have to ask. I know better, more, all the information. Don’t trouble yourself with the details, allow me to rescue you because obviously you cannot be trusted to make your own choices, decisions, mistakes. Your approach will only lead to heartache. You are wasting your time. I will show you how much I love you by micromanaging your every movement.
There is a lot of anxiety in codependence. The constant drumbeat in your head of the real and imagined pitfalls lying in the paths of those you love and care for. They will not see them. They will think that pile of leaves is just that, not a cover of a yawning chasm into which they will fall and never return. My mind was constantly revving. Creating scenarios for all those in my world from which I could swoop in and rescue and therefore be loved beyond measure. I was necessary, needed, required.
One of the difficulties in my extraction from the habitual behavior is where are the lines? What is the difference between being a good friend or relative and begin codependent? The hard part is there are no hard lines and that is hard because not rescuing seems to make me a hard person.
I’ll keep you posted.
