Relator-y Check

I am feeling guilty because my friend’s realtor is moving, and I have not offered to help.  Yes, you read that right.  She is a lovely woman who went through a very unpleasant divorce, and she has to move and it is the end of the month and my friend has bought a house from her and the inspection and other things have to happen and she lives on the west side and she still has things at the old house. It is a rental and I know she must have it cleaned and cleared out within 24 hours.  I feel responsible and I hardly know her.

First, I make up stories in my head that she has no help and no friends, and she is alone.  My car can carry more than her BMW. I could go over and get at least one load. It would not hurt me and it would be a kindness.  I stay awake thinking about it and trying to facilitate my time and hers (as I imagine it) and how I can work it all in. If I do not help, I am selfish or uncaring.

When will I be enough? Will the questioning ever let up? I think it has but it hasn’t really.  The big difference is I no longer act upon it in the same fashion.  The thoughts still come and all the ideas. My inner army marshals to the front to get things done for others while the list of things I need to do for myself gets shunted back again and again.  So, I still have my list and I am not availing myself for others as I once did. How lazy and lackadaisical can I be?

This leads to a whole rash of lectures in my head. I am yet again found wanting. I will never be all that I imagine I should be. I am weary of coming in last and yet in my head stories I am a selfish narcissist for not racing to the aid of others. The ridiculousness of it astounds and yet it is the soundtrack of my life as I transition from rescuer to mere human.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel but continue to wonder what awaits. This new way of being will become the norm one day and it will be a fine way to live. Maybe I will accomplish my goals and learn that it is okay to spend your days creating the life you imagine. Those books will get written. I will begin to do Facebook Live and read these blogs. That podcast will come to fruition. My return to a stage to make people laugh and think will be realized.

It sounds exciting and desirable and then I remember that the realtor has a daughter and probably friends. I am not necessary for her happiness and more importantly not responsible.