Peace Out

Was trying to explain codependent behavior to a friend today. She is only codependent when it comes to her children and grandchildren. It does not reach any level of “true” codependence, but rather those things one does because they love other people.

The conversation revolved around a misunderstanding she had with her sister. The sister had inserted herself in a family kerfuffle between my friend and her daughter. It was puzzling and distressing to my friend that she would have interfered and tried to mediate the upset. To her it was a betrayal of trust because it allowed her daughter to know the incident had been discussed between sisters or “outside of the family.”

“Why?!!  Why would she think she had to get involved?!!”

“Because you think you can fix it,” was my short reply, but you know that I rarely stick with the short reply.

One of the driving forces of codependence and certainly my form, is that you believe that you can fix it. You have heard both sides. You care about both people. Utilizing your superpowers of codependence you will be able to swoop in wearing your Capability Cape and explain, show, demonstrate to each side what the other side was going for in the disagreement.  You are a negotiator/mediator/Secretary of State appearing magically to make it all better. Once they hear your take on it, they will see the error of their ways and all will be right in the world again.

Codependents want peace. They want happiness. Balance and harmony are huge. If you can just get the warring factions to come to the table, all the upset and anxiety, yelling and unpleasantness will stop and life will return to the placid pond we so desire.

But it is not just the return we want. We want (to quote Neville Chamberlain) peace at any cost. What you do not realize is that by “helping” you put yourself in the middle of the storm you are trying to circumvent. You are driving into the eye of the storm and trying to toss out enough magic seeds to make the storm dissipate.

You also think you are invisible or at least undercover.  You are in the CIA – Codependent Intervention Agency. On the QT you talk to one and then the other and then go back to the first with more information. You cajole and pontificate and proclaim believing you are using other people’s needs and language. Taking on the role of the interpreter and translator, you know you will deliver the clarity necessary. Thank God they have you.

Then it backfires and you are stunned. “I was only trying to help!!” comes out of your mouth or races through your brain as you are being called out for meddling, crossing boundaries or stepping in it. You were fixing it! If they had only complied!!

But again, it is not yours to fix. What is yours is learning how to deal with conflict. Figuring out how their issues are not yours. Putting on your comfortable shoes and walking over the broken glass of their lives, away from the fray.

 Is it pretty? Is it easy? No!

Is it necessary – for everyone’s sanity. You Bet!!