Oh Wait - It’s Me!
I must break my codependent relationship with myself. There, I have said it. It is only recently that I realized that I am codependent with me and all my activities. I have the “governor” on as I anticipate, worry, obsess, direct and interfere with my daily thoughts.
It came about as I was reading an article on mindfulness. It is a term I have used often and just began to use in relationship with stress eating. Okay that was in a somewhat ironic fashion and yet I found it quite useful. If you go get a treat, say Trader Joe Elote Corn Chips, and begin the crunch you so desire, you can easily eat a lot of a bag. If you get a small ramekin and slowly eat one at a time whilst angsting and savor each one, it is just as satisfying and gets the job done.
As I read the mindfulness article, I got the message that I could just be, not do. I decided to apply it to my daily meditation. Rather than entering into meditation with thoughts, requests, desires or expectations what if I just sat in complete silence? A truly blank mind. Nothing to be accomplished other than quiet and peace and transcendence. I tried it the next day and It was amazing. My meditation lasted longer and my feelings of calm after were greater than usual. There could be something to this.
As I wandered through that day, I spoke with two friends regarding the epiphany. One of them was excited to give it a try. What if there was no requirement to accomplish anything, but rather the accomplishment was silence and being centered? Stop the frenetic self.
The following day I recounted my new discovery to another friend and as I was busy explaining what it was not, I realized that I am codependent with myself. My self-talk is full of “should” and “need to’s.” I am scaring the crap out of myself whilst also annoying me. It is a constant stream of instructions, judgements, opinions and fault-finding. No wonder I stop myself from accomplishing anything that I have labeled as worthwhile, because I am being passive aggressive with the constant codependent feed. Even if some of the ideas and suggestions are wonderful, I cannot seem to give myself the satisfaction of doing what I am told because it is “her” idea. I am the Great Oz to myself and I know better than to pay attention to the woman behind the curtain.
So, in order to become proactive, I must first stop giving myself a “to do” list and do nothing. But I must do nothing in a mindful manner. I shall begin occupying my moments by being in the moment not projecting the projects that could/should/might/would be helpful. Each task that needs doing will get my full attention until it is complete. I shall know that all will be accomplished by not rushing to the finish line. No more taking stock at the end of the day to see what I have done. The paralysis of analysis shall cease and each step will be seen as moving in a direction that is correct.
This ought to be interesting. Am I my last great project and by not making myself a project will I finally find the success for which I have longed?
Stay tuned.
A Note: This blog was written on Monday afternoon. Tuesday night as I was ending my day, I decided to open my second meditation book, “Going in to Find Out” to get some direction. I opened to Confusion found on page 21. Next week’s blog will be that mediation. It just proves, the universe works and so does my book. So now, definitely stay tuned!!
