Now You See Me
I do not know the cause, but I am experiencing interesting thoughts these days. They are “truths” that come to mind and for a moment give me pause as I realize that I am no longer covered in this area. With it comes a bit of sadness or regret or wistfulness. Then my conscious mind takes over and I realize my folly.
The first one happened last week when I went out and my car would not start. I had a new battery installed within the past six months, so it was odd. I caught a ride to my appointment and then got out the manual to determine the cause of the blinking light on the dash. My girlfriend and I read the manual and tried all the recommended steps to reset the alarm system. None of them worked, so I called AAA knowing they would send someone. He arrived and simply said the battery was dead and put in a new one free of charge. He agreed it appeared to be related to the alarm system but could help me no more than that. I decided to drive down to my mechanic for assistance.
As I was driving, I threw a small but impressively short pity party. If my husband were still here, he would deal with this! Luckily my conscious mind shoved my subconscious out of the way and immediately began showing me the error of my ways. I ran the list of girlfriends that inhabit my life and could not come up with anyone that either had a husband or boyfriend or one that would “deal with it” for them. The one friend on my list that was a maybe later confirmed that she calls AAA as well. It is just easier and more efficient.
The part that I found fascinating was the ability we have to create fantasy in our lives. Often that fantasy causes us to feel alone or left out or apart. It is akin to the handsome prince showing up to rescue the damsel in distress which we know is a fairy tale, yet it is a zeitgeist that has transcended time.
It happened again last night as I was walking alone across the university campus after an event. I had left the auditorium before the end and so there was no crowd to in which to disappear as I walked the four blocks back to my car. It was well lit and safe, and I was not fearful, but I thought about walking alone and how it would have been different were my husband with me. Again, I was brought up short. He had not been walking for a while and even in the early years, had we been approached or attacked it is most likely that it would have been me throwing the punches and getting us out of there. He was not a fighter. It made me smile as I walked along alone knowing that I was protected just as I would have been.
A friend suggested that these thoughts are a part of grieving, but it does not feel that way. I think it is a societal fantasy that “the men folk” will protect us or that we need protection. It is a nice thought. When I first got married I was excited because I thought it guaranteed someone else to kill the bugs. I was wrong. Then I rethought the grieving part, it is not the type of grief that is soul crushing or sad, but rather the realization that the idea of relationship or marriage gives us an invisibility cloak. The feeling of being not alone. The “it is us against them” of partnership. It is the loss of belonging to a team.
