Not My Problem
Today I was thinking about calls I should make or people to whom I should reach out. None of them were necessary or even things I particularly wanted to do. They were whispers of my previous co-dependence. The shoulda/ coulda/woulda’s of the life I lived for so many years. Caretaker of the world. Expressor of all condolences or acknowledgements of pain and strife.
Again, my thoughts go to my automatic response reactor. I hear someone is hurt, troubled, injured or having a bad day. I MUST react. I MUST be the voice they hear on the other end of the phone. I MUST offer some sort of relief. Nobody asked me. It is none of my business, but the alarm sounds in my head and I go on auto pilot.
This morning as I heard the “you should….” I was surprised by my reaction. It was all in real time and not on robocall dial up. As soon as I thought I needed to reach out and insert myself in an acquaintance’s life my new sponsor in my head said, “Why?”
It startled me. “Why? Because they have suffered an injury and are worried and upset. They need me to call or at least text to check up on them.”
Then, “No they don’t” came floating to the top of the mind awareness. “It has nothing to do with you.”
WHAT!!??
I knew this new governor in my head was correct. It was none of my business and I was once again going to insert myself into someone else’s life for no reason. It is not mine to fix or care about. They have other people to worry about them and I do not need to insert myself where I have not been invited or need to be or take on anyone else and their issues.
It was startling and freeing all in the same moment. This new me is fascinating. I have choice. As ridiculous as it sounds, I never truly knew that. I could say it out loud. I could tell others that they had it, but I never allowed myself to avail that freedom.
It can seem uncaring. It can seem cold. It is strange beyond description. I have so much free time that I never knew existed. Maybe it is not so much free time as time that belongs to me and I can now “choose” to use it however I see fit. My life no longer has to be put on hold to solve other people’s dilemmas.
Freedom is not just a word for nothing left to lose, it is a reclamation of time and time is money.
