Musings on a Panda

This is a bit of a departure from my normal postings. It is a piece I wrote in a writing exercise class last September. It was written in 20 minutes with various prompts/plot twists added as we were writing in the moment. It is a work of fiction and yet contains many of my realities. Enjoy.

Warm summer evening at an old-style carnival throwing wooden balls into mouth of painted lion.

Why not I thought.  I knew the games were rigged, but what was the point of not engaging in the activities.  Some people won the prize, why not me?  I had been a good pitcher on the softball team, maybe this was my moment. 

 I loved the old lion. So worn down at the edges. Paint chipping off, but still defiant in its stare at the willing challengers.  The feeling of the wood balls was comforting in my hands. The weight and heft. The fading paint.  I could do this. I was sure of it.

 The first ball soared into the air and bam, right into the lion’s maw.  The feeling of success washed over me and for that moment I felt invincible.  I hoped that others not just the Carnie had seen my toss.  Maybe it was a one off, but I stood there and let the moment sink in.  I needed a win right about now; things had been veering off the chosen path.

 I gazed down at the three remaining balls and thought, "if I can get these in, I win the prize.”

I can do this.” 

One…two….three….I win!!  I am jumping up and down and the Carnie beckons me to the back of the tent.

 "There's some paperwork." the Carnie said  

That is new, but okay.  I want that Panda Bear so that I can proudly carry it through the fair. 

‘What is your zodiac sign, your favorite ice cream and your age please? Oh, and do you believe there is life on other planets?”

 I comply without thinking,  why do they need that?  Give me the bear is all I can focus on.

 One last question,” What have you learned about life?”

 What?  How do I answer that?  What if I get it wrong, but how can I get it wrong?  It is my life. What have I learned?  Do I go with the usual or something more esoteric?  What have I wanted to learn?

 “Well?” he said with a bit of impatience.

I have learned that life does not turn out the way you think it will. You head out into the world with dreams and aspirations and you hit a lot of brick walls. Sometimes you believe you are walking down the right corridor of the life maze only to realize that it is a dead end. And you are frightened because you have been walking this way for so long and you did not think to leave a trail to find your way back. And then you realize that there is no back,. You can turn around on the route but there is no back. It is not even a retrace, it is a quick turn and fast walk toward one of the other turns or the main road, but that highway may no longer be the way to go. You have meandered while you thought you were moving straight ahead.  You have gotten off the path to help others or spend time and thought you were getting back on the same journey only to find that it really had nothing to do with your purpose when you began.  As you reroute yourself you can see some of the souls, opportunities and communities you left behind. The ones you abandoned, or they abandoned you.  The road is littered, and it seems wasteful in that moment and yet it was perfectly constructed at the time.  

Time is flexible and elastic. Memories take you back to rethink and rue and if you let it, regret. But regret does you no good because that time capsule has closed and there are only new vessels to fill. There are always new vessels to fill and we don't know how they will play out or who will play. If you are spending your time revisiting the journey, then you are not moving forward and forward is the only directions you have.  The review is good as it does help you to see the hills and valleys you traversed when you so often thought it was a straight shot. 

"So, what would you change about your path?" he interrupts my reverie.

 I am flooded with ideas and answers and "might have beens" and 'if onlys."  I must take several beats to allow the tsunami of the past to finish its destruction.  What would I change about the path? 

Nothing comes to mind, but that cannot be. I begin to make new lists in my head. This has become a life review. Did I walk into the afterlife when I came through the tent flaps?  I remember thinking I needed a win out there and the balls had miraculously all found their mark.  Why did I need a win?  What was so wrong that I felt I deserved something better? 

What would I change? I could say my awareness or listening to my gut, but that also was not accurate.  By not doing that I had learned lessons and acquired information. I had lost some people and gained others. Would I change that?  Would I give up today for some unknown? What was to say that the unknown was better or more satisfying. 

“I would like myself better. Just the way I was. This weight, this amount of money.”

 "What about the other planets?  Is there life out there?" he said, nudging me back to the questions. 

My default answer is yes.  We cannot be alone here, right?  Why do I want other life forms? Is it the desire to know that the universe is vast and diverse and not the finite orb upon which we live.  Would other planets be able to explain things to me?  Perhaps it was curiosity or was it more perverse in that I knew it irritated people? Or simply that I loved a good conspiracy theory and wanted to find out that the government keeps so many things from us.   

He is looking at me waiting for an answer. What if I get it wrong, will they not give me the Panda?  I want the Panda, it will show others I accomplished something, but there now seems to be a trick. Is this a new carnival game?  Allow you to complete the task, but then question your beliefs and judge you?  It is only a stuffed animal, but to me it is proof. 

“Yes!”Warm summer evening at an old-style carnival throwing wooden balls into mouth of painted lion.

Why not she thought. She knew the games were rigged, but what was the point of not engaging in the activities. Some people won the prize, why not her? She had been a good pitcher on the softball team, maybe this was her moment.

She loved the old lion. So worn down at the edges. Painting chipping off, but still defiant in its stare at the willing challengers. The feeling of the wood balls was comforting in her hands. The weight and heft. The fading paint. She could do this; she was sure of it.

The first ball soared into the air and bam, right into the lion’s maw. The feeling of success washed over her and for that moment she felt invincible. She hoped that others not just the Carnie had seen her toss. Maybe it was a one off, but she stood there and let the moment sink in. She needed a win right about now; things had been veering off the chosen path.

She gazed down at the three remaining balls and thought, "if I can get these in, I win the prize.

I can do this.” One, two, three I win!! I am jumping up and down and the Carnie beckons me to the back of the tent.

"There's some paperwork."

That is new, but okay. I want that panda bear so that I can proudly carry it through the fair.

What is your zodiac sign, your favorite ice cream and your age please? Do you believe there is life on other planets?

I comply without thinking, why do they need that? Give me the bear is all I can focus on.

One last question,” What have you learned about life?

What? How do I answer that? What if I get it wrong, but how can I get it wrong? It is my life. What have I learned? Do I go with the usual or something more esoteric? What have I wanted to learn?

Well?

I have learned that life does not turn out the way you think it will. You head out into the world with dreams and aspirations and you hit a lot of brick walls. Sometimes you believe you are walking down the right corridor of the life maze only to realize that it is a dead end. And you are frightened because you have been walking this way for so long and you did not think to leave a trail to find your way back. And then you realize that there is no back, you can turn around on the route but there is no back. It is not even a retrace, it is a quick turn and fast walk toward one of the other turns or the main road, but that highway may no longer be the way to go. You have meandered while you thought you were moving straight ahead. You have gotten off the path to help others or spend time and thought you were getting back on the same journey only to find that it really had nothing to do with your purpose when you began. As you reroute yourself you can see some of the souls, opportunities and communities you left behind. The ones you abandoned, or they abandoned you. The road is littered, and it seems wasteful in that moment and yet it was perfectly constructed at the time.

Time is flexible and elastic. Memories take you back to rethink and rue and if you let it, regret. But regret does you no good because that time capsule has closed and there are only new vessels to fill. There are always new vessels to fill and we don't know how they will play out or who will play. If you are spending your time revisiting the journey, then you are not moving forward and forward is the only directions you have. The review is good as it does help you to see the hills and valleys you traversed when you so often thought it was a straight shot.

"So, what would you change about your path?"

I am flooded with ideas and answers and "might have beens" and 'if onlys." I must take several beats to allow the tsunami of the past to finish its destruction. What would I change about the path?

Nothing comes to mind, but that cannot be. I begin to make new lists in my head. This has become a life review. Did I walk into the afterlife when I came through the tent flaps? I remember thinking I needed a win out there and the balls had miraculously all found their mark. Why did I need a win? What was so wrong that I felt I deserved something better?

What would I change? I could say my awareness or listening to my gut, but that also wasnot accurate. By not doing that I had learned lessons and acquired information. I had lost some people and gained others. Would I change that? Would I give up today for some unknown? What was to say that the unknown was better or more satisfying.

I would like myself better. Just the way I was. This weight, this amount of money.

"What about the other planets? Is there life out there?"

My default answer is yes. We cannot be alone here, right? Why do I want other life forms? Is it the desire to know that the universe is vast and diverse and not the finite orb upon which we live. Would other planets be able to explain things to me? Perhaps it was curiosity or was it more perverse in that I knew it irritated people? Or simply that I loved a good conspiracy theory and wanted to find out that the government keeps so many things from us.

He is looking at me waiting for an answer. What if I get it wrong, will they not give me the Panda? I want the Panda, it will show others I accomplished something, but there now seems to be a trick. Is this a new carnival game? Allow you to complete the task, but then question your beliefs and judge you? It is only a stuffed animal, but to me it is proof.

“Yes! Now give me the panda!!”

He gets a funny look on his face. A small smile appears at the corners of his mouth and there is a bit of a head shake. He glances at the prize table and pauses. He looks deeply into my eyes, and I want to look away, but it is like a tractor beam. Is he sending me a telepathic message? If so, I am clueless.

“Come on. I won the bear fair and square. Just hand it over and we can end this conversation.” I am getting angry.

“Why do you want it to end? Haven't you found it intriguing? Insightful?” he says with a smirk.

“Sure, it's been interesting, but it's getting late and there is a lot more of the fair I would like to visit before closing.”

“Well, you're free to go. I'll keep the bear here until you're ready to leave. That way you don't have to carry it all around. It will get in the way on the rides. Do you like rides?”

“No, I'll take the bear now!”

He crosses over and selects a bear, holds it out and smiles. Why do I not trust this man? What is the bear really? If I take it what will happen? I reach out and my fingers disappear into the fur and I am transported.