Just Sad

I hit a sad patch late last week. The effects still linger. It was a strange experience in that I have no sensation or idea of why I would be sad. Not that I do not have reasons, but rather that I have not experienced sadness in the last four months.

It came upon me rather slowly. First just a feeling of ennui or malaise. Then I saw a picture from six years ago of my husband and me at a wedding. It is a rather wonderful picture of us, of him especially, yet sadness hit me like a ton of bricks.  I have pictures of him everywhere and look at them daily. Why this picture and at that moment?

From there the sadness began to encircle me until I realized about three days in that I was standing in a well of weepy. Almost everything on television made me cry.  I would be talking about something that I would not consider in the least bit tragic and burst into tears. Fascinating!

Encircled and encompassed by this sensation, I decided to just observe.  I did not have much choice as it was seemingly out of my control. As I scanned myself and feelings, I could not detect anything that would result in what was outwardly manifesting.  The exhaustion of despondency was there as was the funk and being in the dumps, but there was no clue as to why. It just was and I could not shake it.

Sharing it is not easy as telling others that have been watching you for the past five months looking for signs of grief are ready to pounce. It is the moment they have been not wanting but waiting for and they are prepared, but it was not that kind of funk. It was dose of the dismals and a fortress of forlorn.

Analyzing it was useful. It helped me realize that the sadness did not appear to be mine, but rather something that I was picking up or taking on.  I thought about Mercury being in retrograde (when is it not) but moved on quickly from that. It felt like and continues to feel like my husband’s.

He did not want to leave me. He fought very hard to stay. He did a valiant job, and we were able to say all the things so many do not have the time or inclination to share with someone they love. He negotiated right up until the end, but then had to admit it was probably time to go. It feels as though he is moving a bit further away and that void is filled with love, regret, and distance.  That is a good enough reason to feel disconsolate and intrigued.