Family

My Chinese family came to visit recently.  I had not seen “the parents” in over five years. Luckily, “the kid” had been in the US for most of the pandemic and we were able to get together a couple of times. They came to celebrate my birthday and simply hang out. It was great fun, chaotic, frenetic, and fabulous all rolled into one.  Also, it was the first time we had all been together since Bob left this mortal coil and headed off to his next adventures.

After they left, I was reflecting on how stabilizing and complete it felt to have them here. That’s when it hit me – They were my family with Bob. I had never thought about it much. Bob had a family. I have a family. We had a family of friends, but I never considered that he and I did not have a family. We had each other and that was more than enough for anyone. We never made sense on paper as a couple, but we worked. The love and respect we had for each other was a gift and something most people never have experienced. It seemed enough.

We all have families of origin and then many marry and create their own family with children and shared experiences and memories. Bob had done that. I had not. I had created a family of friends which is rich and diverse and deeply appreciated. As I alluded to above – Bob had his family and I had mine, but we did not meld or mesh into each other’s. The friends all embraced us and filled our lives with laughter and experiences, and I thought it was enough.

Until the visit. I realized that there is much to be said for shared memories. The father/son of our Chinese family knew Bob for six years before I showed up. They traveled together and created businesses. They shared philosophies and ideas. They cared for each other. When I showed up, he said that he was not impressed at LAX, but that somewhere over the Pacific as we flew towards Guangzhou, we fell in love with each other. It was true. We share a birthday, a sense of humor and a world view. He married not long after and his wife graciously folded us into their life. I offered to be his mom. He said he had one already, but I could be his Amom – American Mother.  Six years later his mom died. Thankfully he had a back-up. We traveled together for three weeks in China to celebrate their New Year. A true family time When their daughter decided to go to high school in the US, she came to us. She was a great gift and the four and a half years lived with us are treasured.  Bob adored her. A granddaughter he got to enjoy every day of her teenage years. Shared dinner conversations that were wide ranging from the Catholic church to physics to philosophy. And there was a lot of laughter.

It all seemed like a story of good friends until this visit. As we sat here and watched a video of Bob we all had our observations, some shared and some personal. We celebrated a life of a man who had changed all of ours. To quote “the kid” you are only gone when you are forgotten, and Bob continues to live on in each of us. It was the perfect birthday present.