Do You Have a Flag?
I was chatting with a friend today. We were discussing the challenges of the subconscious co-dependent. How you just wake up in the middle of it or more often, deeply entrenched. Then flying out of my mouth came this statement, “Your co-dependent self is going to run into your independent self and it is up to you who wins.” We both let that sink in.
When you are waking up from any behavior that has run your life and you are no longer interested in having it be the dominant aspect, you will often find yourself defaulting to the old habit not the new behavior. It is challenging and tiring and way too easy to do. You have used it for years to get through life. It is your autopilot. I liken it to those moments when you get in your car and start driving a familiar route and suddenly realize that you missed the turn you wanted to make because you were heading to your ”usual” place along this path. You have to pay attention and stay aware. That is not easy.
As you pull away from the co-dependent default, you are willingly giving it up and rewriting your programming. The further you get away from it, the easier it is to believe you are in your conscious mind and actions. They are becoming your new normal and you embrace the freedom. Your independence takes the forefront and you find yourself verbalizing your needs and learning that huge word, “No.”
At first, it might not be a hard no, but a “let me think about it” or an “I’ll get back to you.” You are feeling stronger and more in control of your needs. “Hey, this is easy,” you mistakenly think until the situation arises in which you have said any of the things listed above and maybe even, “No that doesn’t work for me,” and someone keeps pushing. They may not be pushing for any awful reason other than they would like a different answer or to have their needs met. Their experience of you has been that you are always available or a “yes.” Perhaps they agree with my mother that “it wouldn’t hurt you to ____”, but you are no longer that person. You have grabbed independence and planted a flag (or two or twelve) at your borders. That is when co-dependence meets in-dependence and you are at war with your selves.
It is easy to default to it being the other person’s fault, but the burden is on both. First you need to be sure that you have firmly planted the flag at all of your borders. Next, you may need to declare that you are a sovereign state these days and point out the flag or flags. Then there is not falling prey to victimhood. The “why haven’t they heard me?” wail that goes up. More than likely we have made the lines blurry because we are not yet sure where they lie and we are not sure it is safe to live a life of speaking up and choosing self.
So, what I learned today is that the battle of selves will happen. Each side will win for awhile and then one day, I hope, the land of ME finally gets carved out from the crowd. I think I will get to work on my new flag design.
