The Comedy of Codependence

I am too nice. Even though I judge myself harshly, I have come to realize that my imaginary standard might be a touch unattainable.

I am codependent. I come by it honestly. There will be more about that in time. As I began writing my stories, it was pointed out that they appeared to be “The Comedy of Codependence, so for now that will be my main focus. I shall also like to tag myself as a digressive writer and speaker, so from time to time this will be about other life observations.  Somehow, I believe they will all lead us back to codependence so it will be within the genre.

Without realizing it I appear to have lived in a magic bubble world where people do the right thing, are thoughtful, empathetic, decent, and honest. Difficult things happen in the bubble world, hard things. There are challenges and days of worry and sadness. There is anger and upset. There is sickness and dying. There is also love and kindness and caring and helping. Evidently this is not everyone’s world.

I remember thirty years ago asking a friend who had been raised by her grandfather if she knew where her mother was now.  “If I’m lucky she’s dead,” was the answer. The weight of that hit me at my core. It was beyond foreign to me. Then she followed up with, “I think she’s a homeless woman in San Francisco.” 

“Why do you think that?”

“When I was there, I was sitting in a donut shop at Union Square waiting for my Napa tour bus to arrive and there was a homeless woman her height (6 feet tall) going through a trash can outside and when she turned and looked toward the shop, she had my mother’s eyes.”

“What did you do?”

“I turned away and hoped she hadn’t seen me.”

This has stayed with me over the years and has been especially helpful over the past few months as I dealt with family related issues. It helped me to realize that there are many ways to maneuver in this world, multitudes of experiences and my perception has nothing to do with any of them being right or wrong.  It has all helped me to begin an in-depth exploration of codependence and especially my version.

The first rule of being a co-dependent is that you are NEVER number one. Your life must remain fluid and able to turn on a dime. You could be called out at any moment to help someone and therefore your plans should always have an escape hatch. You are like a superhero, but without the outfit or any special powers other than your ability to put yourself and your life on the backburner. On those days that you do not knuckle under and change your plans or give up your free time you are wracked by judgment and self-loathing because you could have or should have rearranged yet again. It is your identity. It is your badge of honor that you are self-less and ever available. It doesn’t hurt you to…….fill in the blank.

The second rule is that you are both arrogant and a supplicant. You are the most capable and knowledgeable person on the block. You can research, find, or create the answer. You also are prostrating yourself for their benefit. You are at their service, you do not matter, but they need to be appreciative but not in any overt way, at least in the moment. You insert yourself where you have not been asked, but imagine you have because like the Bat signal, you are called. You have heard the request/plea/cry for help, and they may not even know they have asked. Similar to a dog whistle, maybe only you can hear it but By God, there was an ask. And if you were not asked, they just did not know that they needed to you solve their situation.

Third rule – People you know and love are incapable of making their own choices and if they suffer the consequences of their stupidity/naivete their lives will be ruined. You must rescue them from themselves. It took me years and maybe I am still working on it, to realize that this is no different than my mother telling me that history teachers make no money, and I needed a business degree. If that is true, why are there so many history teachers?  Doesn’t history teach us that you learn from mistakes?

Rule number four is that most of your actions are unconscious and well intentioned even though people may consciously find you annoying. Someone makes a casual comment that they are looking for something and your phone is out and you are texting possible solutions or repair men or doctors or any number of things. 

Five is a big one when you finally get it, people get used to your level of concierge service and come to expect it. They know that if they call you or ask, you will immediately fill the void. They can count on you to be the ride to or from the airport (something I am not ready to give up), the writer for your project (gratis of course), the helper with tasks such as reorganizing (when you cannot organize yourself because you do not have time), redecorating, moving. You are the safe and easy place to land. You are the Yes that they need in that moment.  None of these things are inherently wrong, it is only codependent if it is constantly at your own expense.

I have been slowly off-loading people over the years and with each one I felt I had FINALLY gotten over my codependence. I recently found out I had not even scratched the surface.