Goddess or Goat?

I have never claimed to be psychic nor will I. I have had plenty of moments where I seemed to know things before they happened, but never in a consistent manner that would allow labeling. I return now to the superpower or savior version of codependence. I am not sure that it is purely codependence because it leads me into the murky waters of empathic behavior and intuition.

I do however believe that playing the codependence board is rather like a chess game. Someone about whom I care (and sadly I do not have to care about them that much, if at all) has announced they are going to do something. I immediately go into projection mode. Like a chess savant, I can see all the pieces moving on the board of life, the pitfalls, the false premises, the traps that await. I know the outcome and must now rescue them by stifling all their dreams, thwarting their efforts and if necessary, mocking their abilities. They must be stopped. I must save them from their folly and shortsightedness. I am omnipotent and informed and they should take me at my word.  I toss my hat and the rest of me into the arena and I “share” my bountiful insights. Just in time I have turned up and rescued once again. Whew!!

I am ignored more than believed. Some are kind and listen before discounting my concerns. Others immediately discount my intel and continue to barrel toward the cliff. Either way, I am rendered unable to save the day. I am Cassandra.

Cassandra, the Trojan goddess with the gift of prophecy doomed to never be believed. Full disclosure here, unlike Cassandra or at least her legend, I do not have a 100% prophecy rate. I would say I am in the high 90s, but that is only based on my own over inflated estimation of my talent. The pain of standing by as the scenario I have predicted plays out before everyone’s eyes is deep, lasting and at times unbearable. The desire to say, “I told you so,” overwhelms but I have learned to keep that to myself because the only thing that can make them dislike me more is to point out their folly. This does not, however, keep me from waiting each time for the acknowledgement I am sure will be forthcoming regarding my amazing gifts. It is a long wait.

As I have analyzed these phenomena, there is one point that bears inclusion.  When people have asked me for my viewpoint, opinion, feelings or insights I have noticed a much higher percentage of listening and compliance. While they may not do exactly as I say, they do acknowledge the clues I have provided to help them along their journey. They may even remark that they noticed that my road map was surprisingly accurate. This provides a certain amount of satisfaction and keeps me going for another day, another catastrophe.

Almost all my predictions are fear based. My particular brand of codependence is risk aversion. Where others see opportunity and adventure, I can very quickly see loss, injury or financial ruin. On the easier cases, I can see folly and frivolousness. As their external conscious and tour guide, I am trying to save them time and trouble. While using up my own time and talent, I can save them from wasting theirs. I am like the public restroom that requires no purchase -There and ready for their needs.

Being Cassandra for most of my life left me with feelings of victimhood, which I pretend to eschew but have evidently embraced. The feeling of being next to someone and screaming - “Watch out for the train,” as they step onto the tracks is exhausting. It made me bitter, but I could not give it up because obviously the collective “they” needed me. They must. There were so many mistakes. So much wasted time and energy that I and I alone could have saved. It was not so much that I was superior, but rather better informed and more efficient.

There was also the part where taking care of everyone else allowed me to not take care of myself. To not have to know what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go. Putting everyone else’s needs ahead of my own kept me safe from decision making. From finding out what would light me up. I did not matter other than as the safekeeper for the rest of the world. That was an exalted position. One that made a difference. I was a Superhero or better yet, like Cassandra I was a goddess.